Don’t let a lack of spendable cash keep you from living the high life. In this weekly column, standup comic Danny Lobell explains how to live a Playboy lifestyle on a welfare budget. This…is Budget Ballin’.
I have found that the greatest way to watch live sports is for FREE. Free, you ask? How do you do that?! And the answer is, of course, it’s all about who you know. Here is the trick, there are hundreds of employees working at every sports stadium and all you have to do is make friends with one of them and they can likely hook you up with free tickets. Sometimes those tickets will be the ones that have not been sold yet. Even better, sometimes the reason they have not been sold yet is because they are too expensive, so what winds up happening is you might find yourself in a luxury box or field side.
Next question: How do I become friends with someone?
Hopefully you mean “how do I become friends with a stadium employee?” If you’re just asking how to make a friend in general then…shit, that’s sad. You should worry less about free sporting events and spend a little more time on not being a friendless shut in.
As for befriending a stadium employee, that’s easy, set your sights on the hot dog vendor. In my experience, the hot dog vendor is the quickest path to free sporting event fun.
Okay, so how do I make friends with the hot dog guy?
Befriending a hot dog vendor is not at all unlike what I imagine a serial killer “befriending” their next victim is like. All you really need to do is hang out in a stadium parking lot and offer them a ride to the bus. During that ride you strike up a conversation and by the end of it somebody is lying dead in the trunk of your car. Except, you know, substitute “lying dead in a trunk” with “friends on Facebook” or something.
Not only is the hot dog guy usually good for free tickets, but it’s a given that they can get you beer and food also.
But what if I don’t have a car?
Wow. No friends and no car. You’re not making this easy on me, are you?
Anyway, there are many ways to make friends with the hot dog guy, just be creative. Follow him home if necessary. Learn the quirks of his daily commute. Does he stop at the same coffee spot every night? If so, make sure you’re conveniently stationed there some night and make your move. Like I said, think like a serial killer, or like a run of the mill stalker if you’re more comfortable with that.
When you finally build up the courage to make your move, know this… hot dog people generally love talking about hot dogs outside of work. It’s a weird thing, I know, but I’ve found it to be true. Most people do not like talking about their jobs outside of work but hot dog guys generally love it. Slip some rare hot dog facts into your conversation. Here are a few to get you started:
Did you know that in 1905 Hebrew National opened shop on Manhattan’s lower east side but it wasn’t until 1965 that they came up with the phrase “we answer to a higher authority?” That means for 60 years they were just answering to equals.Did you know that the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile was created in 1936 and has toured the United States for 70 years during which time six more have been built?
I’m telling you, throw a couple lines like those at a hot dog guy and before you know it you’re hanging out in the dugout sippin’ down Gatorade with Jeter.
Seriously though, make friends with an employee that works at your favorite stadium and I guarantee you will never pay for ball game tickets again and you will get VIP treatment. It’s that easy.
And to all you sports fans out there, just a word of advice: When your team wins a game don’t go around the next day saying “we won the game.” Professional athletes who are the best at the sport in the world won the game, you ate cheetos on your basement couch.
That said, I realize I might just be saying this because I feel a bit resentful that comedians such as myself don’t get the same treatment from our fans. Tell you what- here is what I propose. If you insist on taking partial credit for your team’s victory, that’s fine. But then also come and see my show and walk around the next day telling everyone “we killed last night.” Unless “we” didn’t, of course. In that case, keep your mouth shut. We’ll get ‘em next time.
In the meantime, study up on your processed meat history and enjoy your newfound friendship with your local stadium hot dog vendor, and all the perks that come with it.
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